I love waking up in the morning, checking out the news and getting sick to my stomach. No, really, I do. It is without a doubt my favorite part of the day (this is sarcasm in case you didn’t realize it).
I’m at a loss, what is wrong with society? There are so many newsworthy things happening in the world. Oil prices are at a 13-year low. The Dow Jones fell nearly 300 points yesterday. There’s a massive methane leak happening in California right now. An entire US city is being poisoned with lead in their drinking water! Not to mention, Every time I turn around, some idiot is spewing a constant stream of racism, sexism, and xenophobia, including so-called Presidential Candidates.
But these news topics have now become irrelevant because “Enquiring minds want to know!” Jessica Simpson and Gwyneth Paltrow, two overrated, overpaid Hollywood, mid-30’s / early 40’s actresses have been photographed, in Mexico, at the beach no less, in…wait for it…GASP! Bikinis!!!! Why do we keep making stupid people famous?
Why is this even news with everything else going on in the world? Oh…wait, my bad. I get it now…boobs. What was I thinking? Boobs are everything to the mindless reality show loving populace. I don’t know why I keep forgetting that boobs are relevant…unless you’re using them to breastfeed in public.